Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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