Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just puked most of my soul out..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
