I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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