it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
