If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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