My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
