i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
