last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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