Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize