Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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