a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
