Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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