So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
