if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
