I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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