xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
