Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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