she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
