Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
