I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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