Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
