6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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