I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
