Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
