May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
