having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
