took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Damn victory sex feels great
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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