textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
