my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
