dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize