I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
