M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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