Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
