if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
