my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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