It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
They have beer where we have blood.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
