watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize