Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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