you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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