I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
