was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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