You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I DEMAND FORESKIN
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
