I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm really busy with my period
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