I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
