We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I stole a fireplace last night.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
