walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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