Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
