I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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