Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
