I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
