I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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