I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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