If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This baby is an asshole
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
