$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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