guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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