I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Someone shattered a urinal.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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