OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My vagina is officially offended.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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