got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
