Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
