i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
