apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
