you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
