I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
