The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think i have two assholes
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
